


The Mute and Miserable

by toxicmustachee



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Accidents, Alternative Universe - University, College, Depression, Drama, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, I'll add more tags later, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Swearing, Unrequited Love, Violence, hi this is my first fic, i'll probably add more youtubers as well, maybe smut??, pls help, thank u for reading
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-01-23 15:17:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18552394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toxicmustachee/pseuds/toxicmustachee
Summary: After countless years of being home schooled, Jonathan thought it was finally time for him to move on and try to enjoy the bigger things in life. With the support and push of his sister Kala, and his best friend Luke, he went on to college. It was a scary thought, new faces, new point of view. He wasn't entirely sure if he would be able to handle social situations as well as other people. Though the thought of meeting new people horrified him, he slowly became determined to share his life and interests with potential new friends.Only one thing would stop him.He can't speak.





	1. Chapter 1

_ If I could just let the words escape my mouth. _

_ The feeling of sentences dripping down my lips… _

_ My only desire… _

_ To let everyone know how I feel _

_ Instead of writing it down on a shitty napkin or tissue. _

 

Jon let out a long sigh as he sat back in his desk chair. After a few moments of stillness, he turned to look out the window of his bedroom. Storm clouds had rolled over, and it was pouring beyond belief. He pursed his lips together and got up, watching the rain form puddles, watching couples run for cover. It was an interesting sight. Sometimes the only way he could enjoy the world was to simply watch from his window. The tranquility of the rain caused him to zone out for a few minutes. His thoughts wandered elsewhere, to a reality where he could speak.

 

It was a mirrored room. A simple mirrored room with a chair in the center. Every time he escaped to his alternate world, he had been in the same place: the chair. Everything was stiff, from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was paralyzed, and the only thing he could do was look at the reflection in front of him. It was painful, but on a different level. His body felt like pins and needles were stabbing into his skin. The more he tried to move, the more it hurt.

 

Despite the immense amount of pain he was in, there was something he could do.

 

He could talk.

 

_ Hi... _

 

That was the only reason he kept going back. To hear his voice echo through the walls of the mirrored room filled his mind and body with bliss. He could even crack a smile, and it warmed his heart.

 

_ My name is Jonathan. Nice to meet you. _

 

He felt that maybe one day he could control his body as well as his voice. At least in his world, anyway. To be able to move and speak at the same time excited him more than anything. It seemed like in each world, he was handicapped in some way. It pained him, but he knew he would get over it. 

 

_ Someday… _

 

_ Someday soon. _

 

He mentally nodded and studied the young man in the reflection in front of him. It wasn’t any normal reflection. More of a...desire, or wish. The young man in front of him looked exactly like Jon himself, the only difference being that he wasn’t trapped in the chair. The man turned his head and moved his body freely, and his lips moved whenever Jon’s did. His deep brown hair fell over his blue eyes, and his slim figure was complemented by a blue hoodie and a pair of black jeans. He had it all.

 

_ I’m jealous of you… _

 

The man only repeated what he said. He didn’t seem to have a mind of his own.

 

_ What I’d do to be like you. _

 

The fury of jealousy ran through his entire body, and he began to shake. The pain continued to spread, this time more ferociously. He whimpered in pain, looking back up at the reflection, only to find it laughing. The thing was evil, it was nothing like him. Maybe that was the cost of being able to speak and move at the same time. Who knew? He sure didn’t.

 

Jon closed his eyes and took a few shaky breaths. His mind cleared, the echoes of his voice fading into nothing. When he opened his eyes again, he was back in his room. He was startled to hear shouting and knocking on the other end of his bedroom door. 

 

_ Shit. _   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thank you so much for reading. This is the first fic I think I've ever really seriously written. I'm using this as both an opportunity to brush up on my writing skills, as well as a good read for you guys. 
> 
> Love, 
> 
> Toxic <3


	2. Chapter 2

“Open the fuckin’ door, man!” shouted an angry voice from the other side of his bedroom door. He usually kept the door locked when he wanted to be left alone, something that his sister understood. As for his best friend, however, he found it quite annoying. Jon took his sweet time moving away from the window and to his bedroom door, unlocking it and opening it to reveal a very impatient brunette.  
  
“Jesus! I was knockin’ for like an hour.” An overstatement, but Jon still felt a bit bad. He only shrugged and let him in his room. Luke Patterson, his best friend for many years, still failed to learn the art of patience. 

 

Jon watched as Luke paced around the room, then finally took a seat at the desk. “So. School and stuff.” Luke began. Jon shuddered slightly and nodded. Soon, the two would be off to college. He had never really thought about going to a public school. Ever. Because of his inability to speak, he found himself to be too much of a nuisance to go to school with other people his age. He was kept at home by his parents, and was homeschooled for most of his life. It had its perks, of course, but it also had its shitty moments. For example, he had never really gone to a party, never went to prom, never had a sleepover, never dated…

 

That would all be fixed once he went to college, right? He wasn’t quite sure himself, but Luke continued to reassure him that things would change. “I was able to get the two of us in a dorm together. So I can help out, ya know?” Luke said with a giddy smile, proud of his accomplishment. Jon’s eyes lit up, and he smiled. It was great news. He was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to see Luke that often, and that he would have to manage on his own.

 

Sometimes he felt like he never grew up past his childhood. Jon was still dependant on other people, but for good reason of course. He just wished he could get past that and live like the adult he was. He began to tune Luke out, his mind trailing off to the endless possibilities awaiting him at the big building. Maybe he would meet someone who wouldn’t mind his silence. Maybe he would make a group of friends who could joke about his disability without hurting his feelings. Maybe he could feel like he was a part of something.

 

“Hey. Are you listenin’?” Jon nodded quickly and gave Luke a small smile. “Bullshit, but whatever. So we’re leavin’ pretty soon. I’m surprised you haven’t started packing yet.” Jon shrugged and stood up, looking around his room. “Hey, man. If you need help, just call me over. I gotta get home and start packing myself. I just wanted to talk to you briefly.” Luke gave him a smile and a fistbump, then left the room. Jon waited until he was out of sight before he plopped back onto his bed and let out a long sigh. In just a few weeks, he would be gone. He would be thrown straight into the adult world. Was he ready? He sure as hell hoped so.

 

_ Sure, I’ll make myself known to the world, but they still won’t know I’m here. I’m too...quiet. _

 

He thought to himself, a pang of regret hitting his heart. Maybe it was a bad idea to let his sister and Luke coax him into getting out there. He felt so unsure and so insecure, but he tried his best to bury it deep beneath the surface. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! I was eager to get another chapter out. A lot of these first few chapters are mainly going to be Jon just being sad I guess. There will be more interesting things happening soon! I'm just introducing his character <3 Also, who else should I add? And how should I introduce them? 
> 
> Also also, I'm sorry for such a short chapter :'). They will increase in size, I promise. 
> 
> Love, 
> 
> Toxic <3


	3. Chapter 3

The weeks ticked by, almost too quickly for Jonathan’s taste. He turned in a small circle as he looked at his nearly stripped bedroom. The only things left were his bed, desk, and dresser. He shuddered slightly. It had been years since he had last seen his bedroom that empty. It gave him chills, but it all meant he was about to progress to the next level of his life. Jonathan pursed his lips together and turned to leave his room, quietly closing the door behind him. 

 

He hesitated at the top of the stairs, listening to his sister and Luke have a small conversation in the living room. He wasn’t the snooping type, so he just casually made his way down to the living room. “Yeah, Kala. We’ll be alright.” Luke gave Kala a small smile, then turned to look at Jon. “There he is, the big man!” Jon smiled and walked over to the other two.  
  
“I’m sorry I can’t drive you guys down there. It’s a long drive and...I have to work.” Kala frowned, her large blue eyes resembling tranquil oceans. Jon nodded understandingly. He loved his sister to death. Because it was just the two of them for a long while, he became incredibly close to her. She did almost anything for him, and he could tell it pained her that he was leaving. “I am proud of you, though. So proud! Putting yourself out there...I can’t wait to see you continue to grow. Just make sure you video call me every once in a while! Text me and tell me how things are going, alright?” Jon nodded once again, and pulled his sister into a warm hug. 

 

“Our Uber should be here soon. I’ll bring our things outside.” Luke said and took hold of most of their belongings. The siblings stood there in silence for a while. Jon could tell his sister was studying him.

 

“Hey. I made you something. It might be tacky and a little childish, but I thought it’ll help...ya know…” she pursed her lips and handed him a royal blue bag with white tissue paper. Jon cocked his head to the side and stared at her blankly. “Open it, you dope.” she stood there, nearly vibrating. Whatever was in that bag sure made her happy. She was like a child waiting for her ice cream cone at a parlor. Jon gave her one more confused look before rummaging through the bag. His hand stopped at the feeling of something fuzzy. He slowly pulled it out and looked it over.

 

In his hands sat a medium-sized hand sewn brown teddy bear. It had large blue button eyes, a silver bow tied around its neck, and two red hearts sewn on its tummy, one with the letter K, and the other a J. A few plaid patches accompanied its brown fur, giving it an almost antique look. In its arms, it held a letter in its arms addressed: “Jonathan”. 

 

“Well? Do you like it? It took me a while to make. I started it once we had talked about sending you off to college. I wanted it to be perfect. It’s just something for you to hold when you’re upset or missing home. It’s a piece of me.” Her eyes lit up with joy, and a wide grin spread across her face. Jon teared up, smiling at her and giving her the satisfaction she deserved. He pointed to the letter and tilted his head. “Oh, that? That’s only for...your toughest days. I really don’t want you to read it just yet. It has a lot of...value.” She put her hand on her heart. 

 

“Jon, our ride is here!” Jon jumped slightly and gave his sister one more lingering hug. 

 

“Go, you don’t want to keep him waiting for long.” Jon nodded and wiped a tear that escaped down his cheek. “I love you, kid. Be careful out there, alright? Text me when you get on the plane, when you get off. You know. Because I am the way that I am.” Jon nodded once again and turned to leave, clutching the teddy bear to his chest as he stepped out of the house. 

 

“Ready, man?” Luke asked, a big goofy grin spreading across his bearded face. Jon nodded slowly and helped put their luggage in the back of their ride. He sat down in the back seat, closing his eyes and letting out a long sigh. He held the bear up close, letting its fur tickle the bottom of his chin. Soon enough, the butterflies began to spread throughout his entire body. Only then did he realize how nervous he really was to step out into the real world.

 

_ As ready as I’ll ever be... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a soft third chapter. I actually had something else in mind, but I might keep that for a few chapters from now.
> 
> So we've got the mute, but what about the miserable?
> 
> You shall see : )
> 
> Love,
> 
> Toxic <3


	4. Chapter 4

_ Close your eyes. _

 

_ Breathe. _

 

_ Rest. _

 

_ This adventure has only begun. _

 

The ride to the airport was roughly two hours long. It was long enough for Jon to take a half decent nap before they had to wait a few more hours for their flight. Their Uber driver maintained small talk, to which Luke mostly responded. He asked them general questions like where they were going, what they planned on majoring in, and if they were staying on or off campus. Jon, on the other hand, distracted himself with some calming music, keeping his bear close to his chest. It wasn’t long before he drifted off into a heavy sleep, his surroundings fading into nothing.

 

When he “came back to his senses” he found himself inside of the mirrored room again. His reflection sat in a chair similar to his, but he was still free to move around. The reflection held the bear in his hands, observing every inch of it as if he were engraving the image of it into his mind.

 

“What a sweet thing she’s done for us, don’t you think?” the reflection smiled. He was kinder than the few weeks prior. His mood changed frequently, usually based on Jon’s own mood. The reflection was not only a reflection of his physical self but also a reflection on what he felt at that current time. “What shall we name him?”

 

_ Teddy… _

 

“What a dumbass name. That’s the best you can think of? What are you, five?” the reflection joked holding out the bear in front of him. “Hm… I think we should name him Delirious. After your current state of mind. Every time you come here, it’s just some sort of fever dream, don’t you think?”

 

_ Talk about dumbass names. He sounds like he’s insane. He’s a soft creature capable of calming me down. Not some sociopath. _

 

“Oh jeez, get over it, Jonathan. You’re no fun.” The reflection frowned and set the bear down beside him. “Now, I think we should have a talk about...you know. The whole college thing.”

 

_ I’d rather not think about it right now. _

 

“Well, the thing is, you are. Why do you think I'm bringing it up? You’re beyond nervous. You don’t even know it, but you’re shaking. What’s the big deal, anyway? Chances are, people aren’t even going to know you’re there.”

 

_ That’s my problem. I want to take this as an opportunity to better myself as a person. I want to be known as...Jonathan. Not some random mute kid, ya know? And...what if people just...judge me because I can’t actually tell them how I feel? How will I ever strive socially?” _

 

“I don’t know. That’s for us to discuss and figure it out. How about you stop worrying and wake up? You’ve reached your destination.”

 

***** ***** *****

 

“You’ve reached your destination.” the GPS spoke in a thick feminine English accent. Jon shot up and took a deep breath, to which Luke responded with a raised eyebrow. 

 

“You alright, man? I was about to wake you up, but apparently, that wasn’t needed.” Jon nodded slowly and took a moment to collect himself. Luke thanked the driver then stepped out of the car, popping the trunk and grabbing their suitcases. They only had major necessities, laptops, clothing, etc.. Everything else that was too big to fly was to be shipped by Kala within the next week or so. Jon got out of the car and grabbed his bag, then waited for Luke to tell them where they were going. 

 

The two entered the airport, checked in and got their tickets. Luke and Jon set their bags where they were told, and kept their carry-ons close. Luke’s carry-ons consisted of a laptop, headphones, and a few snacks. Jon brought along a thick leather journal, a black pen, earbuds, a cellphone charger, and Teddy.

 

“Alright. Our flight boards at 3:35, which is about an hour and a half from now. Our gate is C7.” Luke spoke as he walked, looking around for places to eat. He eventually stopped at a small sandwich shop. “Does here work?” Jon nodded. He wasn’t usually the picky type, and it wasn’t like he could argue at all. “Sweet.”

 

Jon wrote down what he wanted, then gave it to Luke so he could order. He took out his wallet to pay for his meal, but Luke just shook his head. “It’s my treat, man. Just wait here.” Jon sat there and looked around, studying the people around him. An older couple sat just a few tables away and was probably discussing an anniversary trip. A mother pulled along two exhausted screaming children, while a father tried to find their gate. He almost felt like he was having a major sensory overload. It was all too new to him. In a way, he loved it. It fueled him. It also made him anxious and scared him, but maybe that was good. 

 

_ So this is what it’s like? So many new faces...each having their own stories to tell. One day that’ll be me. I’ll have my story to tell, and people will...listen. I hope. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I would have had a chapter posted yesterday, but I was a bit blue. This chapter introduces his reflection a bit more. If you're confused, Jon's speech will always be in italics. When he's in his mirror room, his speech is more of thought because he is inside of his own mind, hence the italics. The reflection speaks in regular quotes.
> 
> I hope you like this chapter! It's a bit longer than my previous ones, but that's my goal. 
> 
> Love, 
> 
> Toxic <3


	5. Chapter 5

“Hey, man. You alright?” Luke half laughed as he sat back down in the seat across from Jonathan. Jonathan nodded slowly, snapping back into reality. He blinked a few times and noticed the warm meal in front of him. He nearly drooled over the Italian sub he had ordered, but he was too distracted to even think about eating. He was still focused on the dozens of people around him. The same family that he saw but a few minutes earlier was walking down the same way they had come. He could easily assume they were lost. It made him chuckle a bit, and he wondered where exactly they were headed.  
  
He took a few bites of his food here and there, spacing out when Luke tried to talk to him about where they were headed next. Jonathan looked down at his phone, checking the time. They had about 45 minutes until they had to board, which was plenty of time. Jonathan wanted to just relax and take in the scene around him a bit longer, but as soon as he finished his meal, Luke quickly shoved him out of the shop area. “Don’t wanna risk being late to our flight,” he said with a big smile. Jonathan nodded and shrugged a bit, following Luke to their gate. The two sat down on the slightly uncomfortable chairs that took up space right before the gate of the plane. The only good thing about the seats was the built-in outlets. He took this as an opportunity to plug in his phone while they waited. 

 

About twenty minutes later, the seats were soon filled with all sorts of people. The attendant by the gate announced that boarding would begin momentarily. Jonathan felt his heart sank into his stomach. It wasn’t like he was nervous about flying. As far as he knew, he didn’t have a major fear of flights or anything. He was just nervous about actually landing at their destination. Luke probably was as well, but by the looks of it, he was as content as could be. Jonathan groaned slightly and sank into his seat, checking his phone every few minutes to check the time.

 

Luke looked over at Jonathan, noticing his slight anxiety. “Hey, don’t worry about it, man,” he reassured Jonathan with a smile, checking the time on his own phone before scrolling through social media. The attendant, a young woman with frizzy red hair and thick glasses announced that they were beginning to board.   
  


“Hello, ladies and gents. All of you in boarding group A please come and line up by my stand, please!” Her piercing voice seemed entirely too fake. There was no way a human could be that excited about being a ticket scanner. Jonathan snickered and continued to listen to her tell everyone to have a great flight. She probably hated her job. The lines continued with boarding group B, and eventually, it was their turn. Jonathan got up with a long sigh, unplugging his phone and shoving the cord into his small backpack. He followed Luke to the line, giving the redhead a small smile as he handed her his ticket. “Have a good flight now, sugar,” she said with a wink, then went to grab for the ticket of the person behind him.

 

The plane was small and seemed even smaller with everyone packed in it like a bunch of sardines. Luke led him to their seats, offering Jonathan the window. He nodded and sat down, stuffing his bag under the seat in front of him. A few moments passed, and everyone was seated. The captain made a big unnecessary speech about how long he has been a pilot, and how he was “very excited” to transport everyone to their destination. Two flight attendants, a lanky, clumsy man with lopsided teeth and freckles, and an older woman with bright red lipstick and blue eyeshadow went through the regular routines, how to take off and put on your seatbelt, how to use the oxygen bag. Jonathan paid close attention, studying the two and their mannerisms. He found himself doing that a lot, studying people closely. It was probably just because he wasn’t used to...people. 

***** ***** *****

  
  


The plane began to take off with a few rumbles, shaking slightly as it climbed through the air. Jonathan decided to distract himself with some music. He looked to the left of him, noticing that Luke was doing the same. After the pilot announced that they had reached cruising altitude, Jonathan looked to his right out of the window. It was beautiful. The shape of the clouds looked like the crackling ground of a desert that was starved of water. He wanted to walk across the clouds and look down at the world from high above. He sighed, his mind filling with complete serenity, and for a moment he forgot what all he was anxious about. 

 

Jonathan wasn’t aware of how long he had zoned out until the pilot announced that they were about 20 minutes to their destination. He internally panicked, looking at Luke who was beginning to wake up. “20 minutes? Sweet…” he said as he pulled out his phone, checking the time before relaxing in his seat once again. Jonathan pulled out his bag from underneath the seat in front of him and grabbed Teddy, pulling him close and letting out a long sigh.

 

The beautiful clouds soon disappeared far beyond the plane as they flew closer to the airport. No longer did Jonathan feel comfortable and at peace. Now was a time for him to freak out a bit. He didn’t show it physically, but his heart was thumping a mile a minute. He could just hear his reflection telling him to calm down, but was it really that easy? He wasn’t sure himself. After a few deep breaths, he went back to his relaxed state of mind. Once again, the pilot spoke up.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Burlington International Airport. Hope you have a jacket, it’s a bit chilly out there!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I'm so sorry for disappearing. I've had a lot going on in my life, and it's pulled me away from writing. I haven't been able to write a decent chapter, so I took a break for a bit. I hope this is okay for now. It isn't my best work I don't think. It's also on the shorter side (I really want to write longer chapters!), but I didn't want to make it seem like it droned on too much. Thank you for understanding.
> 
> P.S. I promise more characters will be introduced soon!
> 
> Much love,
> 
> Toxic <3


End file.
